I’m in an overly optimistic mood. You know, one of those times when ANYTHING seems possible. ANYTHING. Maybe it’s the weather (70’s degrees and sunny here in Tally-ho!). Maybe it’s the fact I’ve been off work for four days. Maybe it’s the fact that I did two Boot Camp workouts in a row and the endorphins are going crazy. Or I got myself a workout partner to do cardio with in addition to boot camp. Or that I just went on a shopping spree at REI.com and am excited about taking Greenie out of winter retirement. Whatever it is I feel so positivehopefulexcited right now I can’t quite describe it. And I’m not going to try. Instead I’m going to take my dog Scooby on a long walk.
Weekend Update
This past weekend was a whirlwind. WHIRLWIND I tell you. Friday we drove down to my hometown, Port Charlotte. The normally 5 hour drive took 7 hours due to a combination of Spring Break traffic, power outages, and traffic jams. The reason for us going down: My family’s annual golf tournament. The first weekend of March all my aunts and uncles and cousins and second cousins and other family member whose proper title I’m not quite sure of travel from near and far to play cards on Friday night and 18 holes of golf on Saturday day. If was a good time; I didn’t play the greatest golf ever but being around family was nice.
Sunday my husband and I were supposed to drive to Homosassa Springs for a mini-vacation. I had it all planned out: staying at the Riverside Resort, spending 5-6 hours Monday spring hopping and chilling out with manatees, then kayaking Tuesday before heading home.
But frolicking with manatees, drinking fruity alcoholic beverages while staring at monkeys, and resting and relaxing didn’t happen. Sunday my husband work up sick as a dog. Soooo instead of driving 3 hours to our mini-vaycay we had to drive all the way back to Tallahassee. 6 more hours. In the car. And no manatees. Boo.
Boot Camp @$$ Kicking (Again)
You know how in my last post I talked about my boot camp session that made me feel “sorer than ever before. Hurt to be alive sore”? Yea well, what I did at Boot Camp today was basically the same workout, but worse. Today I did:
- 78 kettlebell swings
- 78 push-ups
- 78 squats
- 120 lunges followed by sprint walks
It was tough but went by quick. Maybe it’s because we did descending reps (ie- 12 swings, 12 pushups, 12 squats, 10 lunges then 11 swings, 11 pushups… you get the picture) so as the workout progressed the torture seemed shorter. Everyone seemed in a better mood too. One of the things I like about Operation Weight Loss is that it’s a small group. We are getting to know each other, we encourage each other, and there is a level of “showing up” accountability with our group only having for participants.
Adventures In The Grocery Store
After boot camp I went food shopping. I loaded up on fruits and veggies and good stuff. If was the first time in a long time I went on my own (food shopping is usually a marital affair in our household) so I took lots of time to peruse the isles. Exciting discoveries were around every corner: Slim-Fast is back on the shelves after a national recall! Vitamuffins are now carried by Publix! Chobani Greek Yogurt now has a pomegranate flavor! And look: canned octopus with lots of protein!
I passed on the canned octopus… maybe next week.
Pity [pit-ee] noun: sympathetic or kindly sorrow evoked by the suffering, distress, or misfortune of another, often leading one to give relief or aid or to show mercy.
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“So how is it going?” my co-worker asked as I poured water into my KOR bottle. I turned as she started her sentence and caught her giving me the once over. You know, that slow gaze that starts at your face, works down to your shoes, and then comes up again. That just a second to slow analytical glance that lets you know judgments are being made, with your consent or not. I shifted my weight, subconsciously tugged down on my shirt, and threw my shoulders back.
“Well… ummm… I’m liking boot camp. It’s hard but I am feeling healthier than I have in a while. Stronger.” I shook the water bottle, mixing in the Crystal Light. “If I could just get my eating right I’d be good.” I took a swig.
“Oh well that’s good!” my co-worker responded over-optimistically. I saw her gaze go back down towards my stomach and thigh and felt the need to deflect it with words.
“It’s just, you know… I haven’t even been traveling or anything. It’s just… ingrained. Habitual… or something…” I trailed off, not sure what to say.
She was listening intently, trying to smile encouragingly but her eyes gave away what she was feeling: pity. “I think it’s fantastic that your working at it! Even though you aren’t losing weight you are going; that’s a win. Well I need to go more often to the gym. If you ever want to go with me as my guest that’d be great!”
I thanked her, took another swig of my pomegranate- something-or-other flavored water, and drove to boot camp.
I was annoyed. Not with my co-worker; she’s been extremely supportive and I know her questions and interest is coming from a good place. I was annoyed at getting pitied. Which is ironic because that’s what I was thinking I wanted. In my meetings with Laurel I’d wanted some sense of “I understand”. Instead I just heard “what are you going to do?” “How are you going to change?” “Ok, we know what’s not working… what can you do that will?”. She didn’t pity, she did hold me accountable and enabling me to succeed. And sometimes you just want pity. Or empathy. Or one of those “-y” psychological do ha ha words that pacifies ones feeling of failure and makes them feel like a winner regardless of actual results.
But the pity didn’t make me feel like a winner, didn’t make me feel like I deserved an “A” for effort, didn’t successfully coddle and soothe my emotional response to my weight. Instead it pissed me off.
I drove to boot camp annoyed. That day was particularly tough. 78 kettlebell swings + 144 push ups + 12 power walk sprints = Kelly sorer than ever before. Seriously. Hurt to be alive sore
I went to boot camp apprehensive; worried about my foot. It was ok the first 4 sprints but then that dull pain started radiating from my left foot. As I power walked up the steep hill it increased. I told our instructor and he had me walk on a flat track instead of up and down a hill since its less impact.
It was one of those days where it wasn’t fun to work out. But I did it. My mood wasn’t lifted by the endorphins, and I didn’t get a grand sense of camaraderie from my work out group, and I left limping and pretty sure my foot is teetering on the edge of being really stress fractured. But I did it.
And I’ll do it again tomorrow.
I think I mgiht have re-stress fractured my foot.
F*@&.
Icing it now. Hoping it’s just a weird sprain. We’ll see…
“Most of the numbers are up” Laurel said, handing me the results of my last weigh in/measurements/fat analysis. She handed me the Body Composition Report and print out of the pictures we took at my last weigh in.
Date: 2/19/10
Body Fat %: 44.21%
Desired Body Fat: 28.00%
Total Weight: 240 lbs
Lean Body Weight: 133.90 lbs
Body Fat Weight: 106.10 lbs
Goal Weight: 185.97 lbs
Damn. That’s an increase in everything over my 12/28/09 measurements. I wasn’t surprised, I was kind of expecting it, I know why it happened, and I know I and only I am to blame. Boot Camp Fitness & Training was upholding their end of the bargain: high quality, ass-kicking training three times a week. The shortcoming is me: my choices, my diet, my lethargic approach to life, my lack of planning.
“What are you going to do to change it?” she asked. “I can’t want it for you.”
I didn’t feel like committing to anything, I wanted to make excuses: “my first weigh in was morning, the second was evening. I was PMSing. I drank more that day. 16 ounce equals a pound…” but I knew that the excuse were bullshit. I knew Laurel would know they were bullshit too. It’s been two months and no tangible progress has been made.
I’m six weeks in. I’m feeling stronger and fitter than I have in a long time. I have six weeks left in the Operation Weight Loss program. As Laurel said today, a lot can be accomplished in 6 weeks. I’ve just got to decide I want it and stop making excuses.
Since Saturday I’ve been eating better. The majority of my meals have been home, consisting of lean meats and lots of veggies, minimal sweets, and {{{{SHOCKER}}}}} lots of water and less Diet Coke.
Today I was doing a site visit for work and the day just escaped me and I found myself at 4 pm ravenous. I had oatmeal in the morning but nothing since then.
Rational Kelly: “I’ll stop at Subway” I thought as I pulled out of the site I was visiting.
Overeater Kelly’s Inner dialogue: “But you haven’t eaten all day! And you are going to Boot Camp! You can splurge a bit…”
Rational Kelly: “Ok! Arby’s it is!”
As you can tell, it doesn’t take much to sway rational Kelly. I pulled into the drive-thru, ordered curly fries and a roast beef sandwich and scarfed it down.
Fast forward an hour. I’m decked out in mediocre, non-stylish, functional work out gear and standing in the middle of the Boot Camp Training Center.
“So it’s hell week. So we are going to do a modified version of the regular boot campers hell week. Except, I just wrote it down… it might be harder than theirs. I’m not sure. We’ll figure it out.” Laurel, our Operation Weight Loss Leader shows us a board with the exercise in store for us and reps to do.
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Laurel, My Boot Camp Leader
Kettlebell swings- 50
- Squats- 100
- Push Ups- 50
- Supermans- 50
- Bridges- 50
- Rows- 50
- Dead lifts- 50
- Presses- 50
- Situps- 50
- Kettlebell swings (AGAIN!) – 50
Workout started. I had Laurel help me pick out my kettlebells for the swings and deadlifts. She picked out heavy ones, heavier than I’ve ever done. That was fine though, I was up for a challenge.
I decided to break the exercises into 5 sets, 10 reps each exercise (except squats… 20 of those!). I went through once and felt ok. I went through a second time.
Ugh. All the sudden I felt slightly queasy. I wanted to keep going. I was here, I wanted to get the workout it. I wanted to kick ass, take names, and prove something to myself. I kept going.
Then I got speckled sight. You know, when you are exercising, get lightheaded, then your vision starts looking like a TV on a channel you don’t receive. I told Laurel. I told her I ate fast food around 4. She told me to sit down and relax a bit.
I sat. Then I did some of the lighter exercises: push ups, bridges, supermans… well I couldn’t take the supermans. I got up, trotted to the restroom, and tossed my cookies.
Throwing up in a gym: not recommended. Not that the bathroom was dirty (it was actually surprisingly clean) but as I knelt by the toilet and thought of all the different guys and girls who used it… ewww.
I went back out, my mascara smeared, in a cold sweat, feeling like crap.
“You ok?” Laurel asked.
“I threw up.” I replied, taking a swing of water.
“Note to self… that’s all I’m going to say” Laurel said to me, smiling.
“Note to self: no fast food before boot camp. Got it.” I replied before returning to my workout.
Email from Laurel, the Operation Weight Loss Leader:
We are starting our 6th week. By now you should be seeing changes in the way you look and the way you feel. Hopefully you have developed some healthy habits and some of those behaviors are becoming automatic. If these things aren’t happening for you, then you need to look at yourself and find out what you are or are not doing and you need to get back on track….NOW! I spent yesterday really evaluating some of my behaviors and looked at things I have not been willing to give up. One of my biggest compulsions is gum. I chew insane amounts of gum everyday. My justification is that it is sugar free. Yet I believe it is setting me up for constant sugar and carb cravings. It also keeps me bloated. What is something you are hanging on to? I also realized how hard I need to be exercising and that I am not working out hard enough. I went to the stadium yesterday and did the steps, both walking and running. I could have sworn I burned at least 500 calories. I wore my heart rate monitor and found I only burned around 250 in 45 mins.Exercise is another area in which we kid ourselves. Most people underestimate their calorie intake AND overestimate the amount of calories they burn. Ladies, it’s time to take everything up a few notches. What will you do different this week that you haven’t done yet or haven’t done lately?
My Answers:
What is something you are hanging on to?
Eating out. I eat out with such frequency I don’t even really enjoy it anymore; it’s not a treat. To see progress and change my habits I need to get used to eating at home. From here on out my goal is to only eat out three times a week.
Ladies, it’s time to take everything up a few notches. What will you do different this week that you haven’t done yet or haven’t done lately?
- Adding cardio outside of Boot Camp.
I’ve been doing boot camp and active recreation but I need to carve out time to work out besides that. I’m going to start getting up early and doing cardio in the morning five times a week starting tomorrow. I’m going to work up to five times a week, starting with two times, on my off boot camp days. I feel better when I work out in the morning, period. I just need to do it.
- Seeking mental help.
I have also started seeing a counselor to work through emotional/psychological issues that are connected to my eating habits.
- Planning food & tracking beforehand.
I haven’t done well tracking my food. I’ve mainly done it after eating was done for the day and the damage has been done. I also need to track my food a day ahead so I’ve got a rough snapshot. Sure, sometimes things will change but at least I’ll know the amount of calories to swap in/out and hopefully I’ll maintain a sense of control through planning.
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- Today I weigh in and get my measurements and fat percentage measured. I’m not expecting much progress because my eating has been so off for the past 6 weeks and I had a 2 week absence due to health/work stuff. So I’m taking this measurement as kind of a re-starting point. Or just a check-in. Not going to try and let it effect me negatively; I just need to breathe, look forward, and keep fighting.
- My posture is abysmal and recently my shoulders have been sore from being hunched over a computer all day. I need a) a massage, and b) to wear my iposture again. Going to get more batteries for it after my work out tonight.
So the owner of Boot Camps Fitness &Training put together a montage of our most recent Boot Camp. You can see me in the 2nd half; I’m wearing pants with a white strip down the side and a black pullover with a white strip along the chest.
I broke the medicine ball at the session. Either a) I’m a badass, or b) the ball was old and weak. I like to think it was (a).
It’s weird I’m working out but I’m sabotaging myself so much with eating you can’t tell my physical efforts on the scale or in person. I’m not sure what to do to correct it. I haven’t been sure what to do my entire life. Today a co-worker was describing quitting smoking and how, even after you quit, the desire haunts you. I wanted to say “I know, I get it… that’s how I am with food. Except you can’t quit food.”
I can’t quit food but I’m not quitting my efforts to get healthy. Tomorrow I’m going to go to boot camp to fight like hell. Then I’m doing it again Thursday. Then again Friday morning.
BEEP BEEP BEEP
My eyes crack open and I look around and know immediately, it is too damn early. I stumble to my phone and turn off my alarm. 5 am…
I go to the bathroom, mentally telling myself “you can skip this morning if you go tonight.” I stand in front of the mirror, rubbing my eyes. I look in the mirror at a body to big and actually mumbled out loud “just do one thing to make yourself proud for Christ sakes.” I splashed water on my face, trying to wake myself. My bed beckoned me. But so did the scale. I stepped on.
239. F*$#.
I found my workout clothes, changed, then drove the dark, deserted streets to boot camp.
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It’s been a while, huh? Time for an update.
My Mental State
2009 was a big year for me. I:
• Graduated with my MSW/MPA
• Got a job offer that fit my education, interest, and abilities and paid handsomely the last week of my semester.
• Spend a month living in the Keys working with children with developmental disabilities and dolphins.
In addition to these big things there were lots of small thing that seemed to click in place and work. Financially I am better than ever. I bought a new car. I won a prestigious award in the school of public administration and got initiated into two honor societies. I coached Special Olympics track & field, swimming, and basketball and loved it.
With all of that, I can’t help at be annoyed- even angry- that I’m not happier.
I’m not happy. This state isn’t new; I’ve dealt with chronic depression my entire life and was diagnosed with probably going to be having “feeling of sadness till you die” by a psychiatrist when I was 15 and was given the more medically accurate term and label of being chronically depressed when I was 21 (till then I held out hope that the first doctor was not just rude, but also an idiot).
I was riding in the car, thinking the other day about my life. Good job, good friends, good almost everything. I know logically I have very little room to bitch about my life. And I hate self-loathing, complaining individuals who obsess about the little small thing that’s wrong in their life when everything else is going swimmingly for them. I don’t want to be that person. And I don’t think I’m more interesting when I am suffering from chronic melancholy. I am just…sad.
But whether it’s justifiable or not, I am and have been in a lull, in a valley, in a darker functionally depressed state since last spring. I can get through the daily grind: working, doing chores, etc. But when I’m alone with their thoughts, things change. I try to fight the sadness: I look on the bright side, count my blessings, try to do things that I know make me happy, etc.
As a chronically functionally depressed person, I live very much in my head. I am overly analytical and I have an active imagination. I am also very introverted and though I fair ok in social settings, my preference is to be by myself or with my husband. Last year, socially, I retreated. I stopped answering my phone, stopped hanging out as often with friends. When friends ask how I am doing, I routinely answer “can’t complain” because I don’t feel like I deserve their sympathy because I don’t really have anything catastrophic going on in my life.
Life is Good. Unfortunately my mental state is not. If only those two things would align the world would make a lot more sense… and maybe I’d finally be able to relax without having to actually zone out (ie sleeping, browsing the internet, watching tv). Maybe.
My Exercise State
Stalled. Backslid. Stalled. Backslid some more. I’m at my highest weight ever: 239.
I signed up for Boot Camp Fitness & Training’s Operation Weight Loss Program. It’s a modified version of the Boot Camp I’ve already done that is designed for people with 50+ lbs to lose. The program includes:
- Complete body analysis and assessment each month
- 3 Boot Camp sessions a week
- 1:1 counseling sessions every week
- Unlimited phone or email support
- 1 personal training session focused on teaching you exercises to do outside class settings to further your success
- Lectures with our dietitian to assure you get the proper nutrition
- Access to an Operation Weight Loss “members only” area on our website
- Yoga and Pilates classes to increase your stability and flexibility
- Kitchen scale to get you started on portion control
I was doing good with the exercising until I was derailed by a week-long unexpected business trip that coincided with a 9 day, knock you on your butt cold/sinus infection. I’ve made 5 out of 10 workouts so far and began to make up the missed sessions this morning at the 5:30 am class.
My Diet State
Eating-wise though…my eating isn’t out of control; it’s never been in control. And I’m just kind of… struck.
The Plan
This weekend I realized I was just sick and tired. I wanted to curl up and be hugged and coddled and told it wasn’t my fault, none of it and that I’m such a great person it would all work itself out in the end. I stared into my food pantry, then my freezer, than my fridge. I was ready to zone out and disappear into a food coma. Then I stepped back, sighed and thought:
“No one is coming to your rescue, and nothing will change until you do.”
It’s a line from a blog post over at the Rock Your Day blog. In it the author states “ There’s no magic. There’s no “new.” There’s the same you tomorrow as is present today. Even if you do get a temporary psychological boost from a “clean slate” attitude, it’s temporary. Your old habits will take over unless you fight like hell to change how you respond to your daily patterns.”
So I’m going to fight like hell because that’s all there is to do. Fight against the weight. Fight against the emotional demons that drive me to eat. Fight to become the person I want to be.
My Fight Like Hell Game Plan:
- Attend weekly counseling sessions with a therapist to try to work through my anxiety and depression issues.
- Attend Boot Camp 3 days a week.
- Try to make healthier, more conscientious food choices, measure my food, and track what I eat.
I’m tired of being complacent. I’m back. And I’m ready to fight like hell.
How I’m doin!
Mood: Sickly. I’ve had a cold since last Thursday 
Breakfast: Choboni greek yogurt and a Kashi Mocha Almond Bar
Stressin’: Cleaning my house. It’s gotten so cluttered recently and I don’t know why…
Lovin’: My new job!
____ makes me happy: The nice cool weather that’s recently swept through Tallahassee.
____ makes me b*tchy: That, because of daylight savings time, it gets dark too damn early.
Highlight of my weekend: Our first Special Olympics basketball practice!
Weekly goals: Track on sparkpeople.com and nurture my body and help it get over this cold.
Just another Manic Monday? Not yet but who knows what the day will bring!
How YOU doin’?
Copy/paste/answer in the comments and let me know!
Mood:
Breakfast:
Stressin’:
Lovin’:
____ makes me happy:
____ makes me b*tchy:
Highlight of my weekend:
Weekly goals:
Just another manic Monday?
Weekend/Random Catch-Up:
- I’m sicky, sick, sick-o. In the last two weeks I’ve been to four cities and four healthcare facilities for work. Between the chaos of travel, the exposure to germs, and weather change I’ve got myself a nasty cold. I’m trying to rest, get lots of sleep and neti-pot frequently to get this sucker out of my system.
- Working out with my brother isn’t working. Our schedules aren’t’ meshing well. I’m really disappointed about this but he doesn’t have the interest level in doing it I thought he would have and won’t meet me in the AM to work out. I have too much stuff after work (Special Olympics, committees, work engagements) that I can’t consistently work out in the PM.
- Basketball officially began on Saturday. We had a great practice with over 20 athletes showing up! I love basketball season! Track and swimming is so independent, it’s nice getting the athletes to work as a team.
Looking Forward:
I’ve got a busy week ahead! Hopefully My cold subsides so I’m able to do the following.
- Monday: Special Olympics Basketball practice
- Tuesday: Special Olympics Management Meeting
- Wednesday: Yin Yoga or a 3 mile walk with some people from meetup.com
- Thursday: Work Dinner
- Friday: Yin Yoga
- Saturday: Special Olympics Basketball practice then Date Night!
Obviously if I’m still feeling really sick I’ll scale back where I can.
Fitness Goals:
- Walk the dogs every day for at least 30 minutes.
- Go to yoga at least twice.
- Be a active coach and work out with my Special Olympics basketball team as I train them at practice Monday and Saturday.
Health Goals:
- Track every day on sparkpeople.com.
- Only eat out three times this week.
Random Goodness
- “There is a mutant breed of Positive Thinking that is called Denial.” I am loving this post by DietGirl- go check it out!
- Prevention ID’s the Top 10 Worst Things for Your Immune System.
- WebMD shares 12 Natural Tips to Prevent a Cold.
- MizFit and DietGirl have a podcast: Two Fit Chicks and A Microphone. The first three episodes have been fantabulous and the new episode comes out sometime today!
