Reflections: What Working, What Isn’t, and What’s Holding Me Back

Goals:

• I choose to be healthy. I want to minimize/eliminate my PCOS symptoms through healthy eating, exercising, and pharmaceutical management.
• I choose to lose my negative self-image.
• I choose to lose damaging eating habits. I want to learn to control my behavior when it comes to food and develop positive ways to cope with my emotions.
• I choose to lower my BMI to a healthy level to minimize the possibilities of becoming diabetic or getting heart disease.
• I choose to lose hang-ups and unhealthy attitudes that are exasperated by my current health status.
• I choose to manage my PCOS through diet and exercise and reduce my dependency on medication.
• I choose to lose the shame (and to look hot!). I want to be as proud of my body as I am of other aspects of my life. I want to feel self-assured and confident and OK with standing out in a crowd. Shallow? Maybe. Honest? Yes.
• I choose to lose the fat clothes and dress myself in clothes I love and adore and make me feel fabulous (whether that be $5 Old Navy t-shirt or a fabulous $1,295 Lela Rose’s metallic dress).
• I choose to not make excuses and find workarounds when issues arise.

What’s worked:

• Tracking. The actual tool utilized to track (Weight Watchers, Sparkpeople, CalorieKing, old school pen and paper, etc.) doesn’t seem to matter much. The accountability seems to be key, as I lose while writing and gain while on tracking sabbaticals.
• Group exercise classes. I am much more likely to work out for an entire hour or 45 minutes if I’m in a group. The mob mentality keeps me engaged while, when not with a group, it’s much easier for me to stop at 20 minutes.
• Balance. I’ve really tried maintaining a balance in my life. I have classified my life into 10 or so sections: Family, friends, spirituality, career, intellectual development, health/self, etc. I color code all my events and tasks according to these categories and when looking at my calendar and task list in outlook, try and see if any one category (color) is being to dominate. I also look and make sure I have some free time to just relax also.
• The hydration station. Combined with fabulous tea from The Simple Leaf ( honeybee is the BEST people! You honestly have to try it!), my hydration station and assortment of beverage making accessories have helped me greatly minimize my dependency on diet coke.
• Making exercise not about me and my weight. The thing I do most consistently exercise-wise is:
  • • Walk Scooby
    • Coach Special Olympics
  • making it less about “I need to work off my back-side” and more centered on something or someone else, it seems less like a chore and more like a privilege.
• Weighing myself regularly.
• Talking it out. This blog has been a huge help. It enables me to process failures openly and honestly. The few followers I have lend words of encouragement, and every so often give me the kick in the ass I need, have been instrumental in me continuing to keep my “getting healthy” goal on my radar.
• Being prepared. In July I went to Wal-Mart and stocked up on work-out clothing. Then I went to the mall and got new shoes. I ordered a swimsuit online that supported me adequately for water aerobics (good thing too, since my other suit soon after became peep-showish). I kept my eyes peeled for sales at Kohl’s and stocked up on sports bras. Having what I need to work out in and feeling good in it makes me more likely to put it on and GO!
• Cooking at home. Yes, it takes preparation but I’ve discovered in the past 6 months that I CAN cook, I’ve just got to find the time and motivation to do it. When I’m on cooking kicks I also notice substantially more loss than when I’m subsiding off fast food and eating out (shocking, right?).  My “Don’t Let Go Bad” board helps a lot as I can look at the ingredients on the board and figure out something to whip up with relative ease.

What hasn’t?

• Dieting. Every attempt I’ve made at restricting has ended in my full-on rebellion and binging. I need to find/create a lifestyle that supports my goal of being healthy.
• TV/Internet/Couch time. When I get home I’m tired. Often I pull 12 hour days (9 hours of work, 3 hours of graduate school). When I get home I collapse into a human puddle on the couch and I do not move if I don’t have to. I get Sarcasman to get me herbal tea refills, I hold my bladder for hours, I keep all the tools I need (sync cables, laptop, channel selectors) within arms reach. I’m not anti-TV (I love TV and will not give up my Office or Big Love or Summer Heights High!) but my level of sloth when I go home is… embarrassing.
• Weekend’s off. Some people can do this. Or they do a “free day”. It’s based on the 80/20 rule: be good 80% of the time and you can indulge a little the other 20% and still see results. For normal people, with normal eating habits and no psychological attachments to food or binging disorders, this system might work fabulously. For me, with my psychological attachments to food and binging disorder, this system sets me up for failure. I binge. Badly. Then I feel guilty. Then I want to “sleep off the feeling”. Then I feel so full and gross I don’t want to move. Then I self-loath. This cycle can often seep into my week, tainting much more than a weekend.
• Signing up for something assuming that will be motivation enough to do/use it. Gym memberships. Weight Watchers. Challenges. [insert costly item here]. While I might have the means to commit to these things, if I don’t have the correct mentality or free time it’s all for not.
• Power napping at lunch. I’m lucky; I live less than five minutes from where I work. This means I can go home and take a 30-40 minute nap at lunch. I love napping. LOVE IT! But, unfortunately, after I nap I am ravenous and half conscious and do NOT make good, healthy food choices. The 30 minute slumber isn’t worth a 1,000+ calorie McDonald’s run (I don’t even like McD’s that much!).

What self-doubts and fears are holding me back?

• Who me? Sometimes I get bouts of social anxiety. My weight has helped me (at least in my mind) fade into the background in many situations. The thought of losing weight, drawing attention for the loss, and possible attention for being a “major hottie” (aka- attractive enough to receive attention from the opposite sex) makes me nervous.
• That “the damage is done” mentality. Sometimes I think “well even if I reach my goal weight I’ll look deplorable because of all the cellulite/loose skin/stretch marks. This is a common excuse I use when I am feeling lazy or already defeated. Why bother working if the end result is still going to be marred? In moments of clarity I know any progress is progress and that, if truly an issue, many of these things can be corrected surgically. This thought is still enough to present a continual roadblock for me though.
• Gaining it all back. I’ve lost weight before. I’ve gained it back. I’ve lost it again. I’ve gained it back. I don’t want to fail again. I don’t want my weight to be a narrative, complete with storylines, plot twists, and re-runs. I want a story with an exposition, rising action, conflict, climax, falling action and resolution. I want resolution. I want an “end” so to speak. Yes, I know the “journey” will never end but I want to go on maintenance eventually and not be in the constant quest of losing. Fear I’ll never get there is real.
• Changing. I worry about how I might change if I lose weight. I know life is a continual cycle of change (queue butterflies emerging from cocoons and flowers bursting through fall leafs). Heck, I’m way, way, way into personal development and growth and constantly asking myself how I can grow as a human. Still… I worry about changing due to weight loss. Why? It seems superficial to me. Or something. I don’t know, I can’t even really describe this fear. I just worry about changing and losing friends or, more importantly, myself in the process.

What permanent lifestyle changes that will be necessary for me to achieve mind/body/spirit bliss (or at least some resemblance of peace)?

• Making working out a priority. Yes, this is a no-brainer. Yes, studies have shown that people who schedule their workouts into their planner are more likely to stick with them. Yes, this should play into my Type A, planner loving personality. I just need to make a schedule and stick to it. I need to aim for accidental exercise (walking breaks at work/ walking Scooby) and intentional exercise (water aerobics, spinning, etc).
• Get emotional support. I need to see a therapist I think to address my utilization of food as a coping mechanism. I can only help myself lose weight by taking responsibility for my own behavior, try to understand it and redirect it to healthier mechanisms for coping with stress, boredom, happiness, etc.  I also need to make sure I’m surrounding myself with people who only the best for me and who will encourage me. Being 25 years old I’ve eliminated many of the drama-rific people from life (I’m too old and tired to conger up the energy they require). I need to work though on feeling comfortable sharing my weight struggles and getting healthy journey with my real life friends (many of whom do not know of this blog). It’s a leap because that’s real-life accountability but that’s what I need right now.
• Working in tandem with professionals. I need doctors who listen and help me diagnose problems as they arise. I need empathetic physicians who understand that it’s a struggle and are willing to work with me to help me achieve the healthiest self I can be. More importantly, I need to eliminate those that aren’t.
• Time management. I need to work on making sure that no realm of my life goes into crises so that I can consistently and levelly address getting healthier. Sure, sometimes things will happen that cannot be avoided and will throw me for a loop. But, if I can control how much stress I experience through planning, I will much more likely be able to maintain consistent focus and have a better shot at obtaining my goal.
• Maintain my sense of humor. Always be able and willing to laugh at myself and keep those around me who can help me laugh when I want to cry.

Whew! So there you go: my reflections from my “Me Weekend”. Told you it deserved its own post! Overall my “Me Weekend” was a direly needed event for me and helped me maintain clarity on my health situation and life in general with the clarity I think I’ll have more success in setting new “life-lutions” (resolutions to keep for life!). I highly recommend everyone take a reflective pause and truly evaluate their situation, current strategy, and goals before setting New Year’s resolutions or life-lutions.