Yesterday the final draft of the $40,000,000 project I’m in charge of was put in pdf format and sent routing. Last night was the last exam of the semester. In a few short hours I will turn in my last paper of the semester. Then I get a break. I get- get this- a whole week break. Then the summer semester starts.
These past few months have been the most challenging I’ve had professionally and scholastically in a long time, probably ever. I’ve cried (repeatedly), had mental breakdowns, questioned my abilities, and then persevered. I think. The true results will be seen when grades are posted next Wednesday.
In addition to feeling mentally/intellectually beat down, this period of stress has left me feeling more run down, fat and lethargic than ever. I admit that I’m not the best at self-care but the past four months I’ve reached a new low and, subsequently, a new high on the scale. I stood on the little black box in my bathroom this morning, partially clothed and praying for the best. 232. My highest weight. Ever. A seven pound gain from the beginning of the year. 10 lbs above my starting weight from last July, when I started this blog.
While I was sad to see the results of 4 months of bodily neglect and food abuse I wasn’t surprised. I knew. I knew I wasn’t exercising. I knew I was eating in excess and emotionally eating like whoa. I knew but couldn’t find the will power to do anything about it. I just felt so consumed with life that I put myself last when it came to exercise and first when it came to indulging myself. Indulging in sleep. Sloth. Dessert. I knew that would reflect on the scale.
Two weeks ago, with the thought of graduation and my dolphin internship looming, I realized I needed to do something. I wrote the owner of Boot Camps To Go, Laurel, and… well… really just emotionally dumped on her:
“I’m stuck. And fat. And really need Boot Camp as I’ve completely fallen of the wagon and nee dot get control and wan to feel like an athlete again. And I need someone to push me. I need structure. I need the group environment so I don’t quit. I don’t want to graduate in August and feel like I’ve accomplished so much in my life but I’m still fat. I’m tired of my weight being my white albatross around my neck. I know I won’t be thin in August but I want to at least feel like my health is in control and I’m making progress.”
The first week of the next Boot Camp session started the week of my final exams. I decided that wasn’t the optimal time to start as I was going to be stressed, sleep deprived, and knee deep in study guides and papers. In addition to too much going on, right now my cardio endurance is abysmal. Seriously… I’ve noticed myself getting winded doing simple tasks (walking across campus, walking up stairs, etc). I decided I a) didn’t want to throw up weekly at Boot Camp, and b) want to get the most out of Boot Camp. I think increasing my cardio endurance before Boot Camp will allow me to get the most out of it. The next month I plan to build up my cardio endurance through regular trips to the gym. That way when the next Boot Camp session starts May 1st, I feel more adequately prepared for it.
Yesterday I watched Kristie Alley on Oprah. I know that I, of all people, should feel empathetic for her but I don’t. As she was talking about her new business model and talked wishy-washy about exercise and wanting to do it I thought “she’s going to fail”. I was sad for her as she said her goal was a bikini and to be “ripped by November” but I was so happy when Oprah says she’s learned over the years that setting a specific time limit on weight loss can hurt the end result. “I want you to do in your own time,” Oprah told Kirstie. “Do it in a way that’s going to be good for you. I don’t want you on national television setting yourself up for November. … I know what happens when you set that goal for yourself. Then you go home and eat for a month trying to make yourself feel better about what you just committed [to].”
I’m not going to set myself up for disappointment by setting an “I’ll lose XX amount of weight by my graduation” goal. I recently took down my “Weight Loss Opportunity Chart” and I realized that, looking at it, I just lamented over all the progress I hadn’t made, even when I was tracking a loss.
So my question to you, dear readers: how do you balance making your goals S.M.A.R.T. but non-obsessive? Goals that inspire you to work harder and maintain will power, not discourage you when you falter?
Filed under: Attitude, Binging, Confessions, Lifestyle, Messy Middle, Sleep, Stress, backsliding
welcome back, kelly! best of luck on it all and remember how beautiful you are!
with my goals, I try to set small, manageable ones. “exercise three times this week”, “keep my caloric budget under 1500″ (btw, I budget my calories i don’t set a limit, ie, if i exercise the calories burned add to the amount I can eat)
I am unfortunately, with you on the setbacks. It sounds like you’ve got a workable plan in place with the Boot Camp. Good luck and keep us up to date ^_^
Sounds like you have been crazy crazy busy. Unfortunately we allow that to be a reason to put ourselves on the back burner. I hope that you can find the time to make you and your health a priority in your life. It’s a struggle for all of us but we just have to keep working at it!!!
There’s so much truth to setting time limits on things. You might remember reading about how I was going crazy in my spin classes and work outs a few months ago, and was losing weight at break-neck speed… but at some point in march, I think everything started to crash in on me…stess from work, a family funeral, not making as much progress as I wanted to…and I got sick. Sinus infections, ear infections, and it’s just been an ongoing problem since then. and, I gained back everything I lost. I went into the doctor today, and they told me I have chronic sinusitis, and they’re sending me to have a CT scan done and then to see an ENT. I hope the ENT fixes things for me once and for all on that front. But, I also realize that I need to take better care of myself even after the sinus problems are fixed…I shouldn’t be setting crazy, unrealistic goals that are impossible to maintain and make me run down and more susceptible to getting sick. Because when I fall off the wagon after going gangbusters, I fall off HARD. So…once I’m healthy to go to the gym again, I’ll be doing that in moderation. I’ll be shopping for better, healthier foods, taking my vitamins, and then not denying myself a treat every now and then.
Hi, good post. I have been wondering about this issue,so thanks for sharing. I will certainly be subscribing to your site.