Tomorrow morning I’m going back to Weight Watchers. I’ll be standing in line fidgeting, kicking off my shoes, and trying to discern my weight watcher workers face as she views my number on the screen.

It’s a new start. I’m not going to continue from my old weigh-in book, even though it would show a loss from my all-time high. Yes, I lost 20 lbs after my divorce; that was over 9 months ago. I can’t keep riding on those laurels and expect to magically enjoy shopping again or just suddenly feel more comfortable in my own skin. I have around 80 lbs to lose. That’s not going to happen on it’s on.

So I’ll go and weigh in. Sit and listen. Then go to the gym to try Zumba for the first time. Then go to the grocery store to stock up on healthy food and drinks and make sure I don’t have “I have nothing to eat” as an excuse for going out and hitting a drive thru.

If at first you don’t succeed, dust yourself off and try again. I’m going to try again.

“In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.”
Eleanor Roosevelt

• 365 days since my ex-husband and I separated
• 246 days since we were officially divorced
• 62 days since my 1^st post-divorce “anniversary”
• 208 days since my last blog post

This past year has gone by in a blur of emotions: anger, annoyance, contempt, anxiety, embarrassment, fear, worry, rage, doubt, envy, frustration, shame, despair, disappointment, sadness, stress, shock, relieved, empathy, hope, pride, satisfaction, content… I could go on and on. It’s been a journey.

But it’s not over yet. Tuesday I’m moving from Florida to North Carolina. A new chapter awaits. Lots will be changing and as I’m designing my life in NC, I’m hoping to integrate healthy habits and changes into it slowly.

First major change: No Cable TV after I move. It’ll be interesting to see how the removal of my biggest drain of time will affect my lifestyle. We’ll see.

I’m sensing good things ahead….

Divorce Stuff

Life is going. Time is passing. It’s almost been a month since we have separated. I feel like I’m living dichotomously. I am fine. I’m a mess. Sometimes thoughts of the impending divorce escape me and I forget for hours. Then the reality hits and I feel like I’m in emotional free fall. I’m scared of my new, unplanned future. I’m excited about the possibilities of the future. I have moments of sincere tenderness towards others. I have moments where I want to punch random people in the face.

And life goes on. Work. Walk the dogs. Putter around the house. Hang out with friends. Exercise. Eat. Read. Sleep. Repeat.

My initial weight loss after the separation has stalled (goodbye 14 lbs). I didn’t work out much in the two weeks after the separation. I was in shock and aimed to distract myself with others. I was good at distracting myself; I was with friends or traveling for work for two straight weeks after the separation. Finally I realized I needed some time to myself, some time to sit and think, some time to process.

And I’ll be honest: that time, it sucks. But I feel like I have to go through it, I need to let myself feel what I’m going through now so it doesn’t somehow creep into my life in 10 years when there is no context for it.

So that’s where I’m at. In the messy middle. I’m not falling apart at the seams, I’m not in some deep depression where I can’t get out of bed, and I’m not face first in a carton of Ben & Jerry’s. I know I’ll be fine. I’m just not ok right now. And I’ve just got to get through it.

Exercise

This week I started my formal training for the Women’s Running Magazine Women’s Half Marathon. I’m using the EZ Half Marathon Training Schedule. Tonight I registered for the half marathon because, make no bones about it, I want that damn medal. Look how pretty it is! LOOK!

The length of a Half Marathon didn’t really hit me until this weekend. On Sunday I went on a long bike ride with two of my friends on St. Mark’s Trail. We rode 14 miles, just .9 miles more than I’ve signed up to walk. It. Was. Long. I enjoyed it, it was a beautiful ride, but it gave me a very real understanding of just how long 13.1 miles is. It is daunting. It will be a challenge. I am up for it.

My husband and I separated two weeks ago. We began divorce proceedings this week.

That’s all I got.

Everyone is running. Everyone. Want proof?

• Carrie over at Tri to Be Funny is all being a triathlete and competing in the Oceanside 70.3.
• Jack of Jack Sh*t, Getting Fit is doing the Couch to 5k program.
• Lori of Fake Food Free just did a half marathon
• Cindy of The Next Hundred Pounds is taking pictures of her trots.
• A fellow bootcamper, Katy, has publicly proclaimed her addiction to running.

I can’t blame them. The weather is beautiful. It’s free (besides entry fees). There are about a bazillion 5 and 10k’s going on a month in March and April. You get to cross a finish line. You get a ribbon (I think, do they still give out ribbons?). You often support great causes just by participating. You are surrounded by people working towards a common goal.  You feel like you’ve accomplished so much before noon.  What isn’t to like?

A year and eight months ago I decided to run a 5k. It was the first fitness goal I publicly made on the blog. I found a running partner in my neighborhood. We were going to time our 3.2 miles. I went through a slump but kept on running. Then, all the sudden, my foot hurt like a mofo.  Really, really hurt. Why? Because I broke it. Stress fractured the crap out of it (I even had to upgrade my boot because it wasn’t healing). And the doctor said running probably shouldn’t be in my future; that I’m predisposed to fracture it again.  And that made me sad because a) I was running to lose weight so the irony was f@*king overwhelming; and b) I think runners are badasses and I wanted to be a bad ass.

So I was all sad (but happy for them blah blah blah) reading all these great bloggers running triumphs because I can’t run. I used to run 5ks. I ran from when I was around 8 years old to 12 or 13 years old. My father ran and I’d often go with him when he went out for jogs. I never really liked running, but at 8 years old I didn’t have much competition and I almost always got a trophy. Sure, I might have been the only 8 year old running the Winter Park 4th of July Watermelon 5K in 98 degree heat and my finishing time might have been abysmal but whatever, I WON trophies (even if just by default).

I kept scrolling though my “Healthy Living” folder in Google Reader and came across a headline that stopped me in my tracks:

“What Are You Training For?”

What am I training for? Yea I know: health, feeling better, fitting into small clothes, feeling comfortable in my skin, yadda yadda yadda. All REALLY important end goals. But reading the article, I realized I wanted to train for something! I don’t even have to be good or great at whatever I decide to train for; I just want some end goal/event to work towards.

Now to figure out what… anyone have any suggestions?

Hold up.

Let me state that again.

I’ve developed an exercise habit.

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¹hab·it, Pronunciation: \ˈha-bət\, Function: noun

• manner of conducting oneself : bearing
• a settled tendency or usual manner of behavior <her habit of taking a morning walk>
• a behavior pattern acquired by frequent repetition or physiologic exposure that shows itself in regularity or increased facility of performance
• an acquired mode of behavior that has become nearly or completely involuntary <got up early from force of habit>
• addiction <a drug habit>
  

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Last week when I missed boot camp due to a combination of conference call meetings, work travel, and after hour work events I was sad. I wasn’t just sad though; I was motivated to go work out in my hotel gym. Before I would have rode the streets of Panama City looking for something interesting (and outrageously calorically dense) to eat and then lounged on the hotel bed watching documentaries streaming on Netflix. But last week I felt like doing that would be… no ok. I felt as though I would be missing something by doing that. Missing exercise. I felt part psychological obligation, part physical desire to exercise. So I worked out. I elliptical-ed it up in the hotel gym. And used my Fit-Stik.

3 months.

Bring my bootcamp clothes to work.

Making fitness a priority.

Getting my ass kicked three times a week at Boot Camp.

Supplementing it with physical weekend activities and additional cardio.

I may not have lost much weight but I’ve lost other things. I’ve lost self-doubt. I’ve lost a completely sedentary lifestyle. I’ve also gained. I’ve gained strength. I’ve gained a sense of possibility. Most importantly, I’ve gained a habit: exercise. And I’m damn proud of that.

• Monday: Cardio w/ Marissa (30 minutes); biked (20 minutes).
• Tuesday: Personal Training w/ Nick.
• Wednesday: Cardio w/ Marissa (30 minutes).
• Thursday: Nada! Seeing Ron White live!
• Friday: Personal Training w/ Nick.

Notice a trend? I’ve committed to being at places at certain times to working out with other people. That is why Boot Camp has worked for me the past 3 months; I feel like if I don’t show up people will notice. And I need that. Maybe it’s a throwback to my over-involvement in team sports during my youth but I like that feeling of being a team. And without knowing someone expects me to be somewhere to exercise I’ll put it off. And off. And off. And not do it.

This past weekend was a whirlwind. WHIRLWIND I tell you. Friday we drove down to my hometown, Port Charlotte. The normally 5 hour drive took 7 hours due to a combination of Spring Break traffic, power outages, and traffic jams. The reason for us going down: My family’s annual golf tournament. The first weekend of March all my aunts and uncles and cousins and second cousins and other family member whose proper title I’m not quite sure of travel from near and far to play cards on Friday night and 18 holes of golf on Saturday day. If was a good time; I didn’t play the greatest golf ever but being around family was nice.

Sunday my husband and I were supposed to drive to Homosassa Springs for a mini-vacation. I had it all planned out: staying at the Riverside Resort, spending 5-6 hours Monday spring hopping and chilling out with manatees, then kayaking Tuesday before heading home.

But frolicking with manatees, drinking fruity alcoholic beverages while staring at monkeys, and resting and relaxing didn’t happen. Sunday my husband work up sick as a dog. Soooo instead of driving 3 hours to our mini-vaycay we had to drive all the way back to Tallahassee. 6 more hours. In the car. And no manatees. Boo.

Boot Camp @$$ Kicking (Again)

You know how in my last post I talked about my boot camp session that made me feel “sorer than ever before. Hurt to be alive sore”? Yea well, what I did at Boot Camp today was basically the same workout, but worse. Today I did:

• 78 kettlebell swings
• 78 push-ups
• 78 squats
• 120 lunges followed by sprint walks

It was tough but went by quick. Maybe it’s because we did descending reps (ie- 12 swings, 12 pushups, 12 squats, 10 lunges then 11 swings, 11 pushups… you get the picture) so as the workout progressed the torture seemed shorter. Everyone seemed in a better mood too. One of the things I like about Operation Weight Loss is that it’s a small group. We are getting to know each other, we encourage each other, and there is a level of “showing up” accountability with our group only having for participants.

Adventures In The Grocery Store

After boot camp I went food shopping. I loaded up on fruits and veggies and good stuff. If was the first time in a long time I went on my own (food shopping is usually a marital affair in our household) so I took lots of time to peruse the isles. Exciting discoveries were around every corner: Slim-Fast is back on the shelves after a national recall! Vitamuffins are now carried by Publix! Chobani Greek Yogurt now has a pomegranate flavor! And look: canned octopus with lots of protein!

I passed on the canned octopus… maybe next week.