How I’m doin!

Mood: Sickly. I’ve had a cold since last Thursday

Breakfast: Choboni greek yogurt and a Kashi Mocha Almond Bar
Stressin’: Cleaning my house. It’s gotten so cluttered recently and I don’t know why…
Lovin’: My new job!

____ makes me happy: The nice cool weather that’s recently swept through Tallahassee.
____ makes me b*tchy: That, because of daylight savings time, it gets dark too damn early.
Highlight of my weekend: Our first Special Olympics basketball practice!

Weekly goals: Track on sparkpeople.com and nurture my body and help it get over this cold.

Just another Manic Monday? Not yet but who knows what the day will bring!

How YOU doin’?

Copy/paste/answer in the comments and let me know!

Mood:
Breakfast:
Stressin’:
Lovin’:

____ makes me happy:
____ makes me b*tchy:
Highlight of my weekend:

Weekly goals:

Just another manic Monday?

Weekend/Random Catch-Up:

• I’m sicky, sick, sick-o. In the last two weeks I’ve been to four cities and four healthcare facilities for work. Between the chaos of travel, the exposure to germs, and weather change I’ve got myself a nasty cold. I’m trying to rest, get lots of sleep and neti-pot frequently to get this sucker out of my system.
• Working out with my brother isn’t working. Our schedules aren’t’ meshing well. I’m really disappointed about this but he doesn’t have the interest level in doing it I thought he would have and won’t meet me in the AM to work out. I have too much stuff after work (Special Olympics, committees, work engagements) that I can’t consistently work out in the PM.
• Basketball officially began on Saturday. We had a great practice with over 20 athletes showing up! I love basketball season! Track and swimming is so independent, it’s nice getting the athletes to work as a team.

Looking Forward:

I’ve got a busy week ahead! Hopefully My cold subsides so I’m able to do the following.

• Monday: Special Olympics Basketball practice
• Tuesday: Special Olympics Management Meeting
• Wednesday: Yin Yoga or a 3 mile walk with some people from meetup.com
• Thursday: Work Dinner
• Friday: Yin Yoga
• Saturday: Special Olympics Basketball practice then Date Night!

Obviously if I’m still feeling really sick I’ll scale back where I can.

Fitness Goals:

• Walk the dogs every day for at least 30 minutes.
• Go to yoga at least twice.
• Be a active coach and work out with my Special Olympics basketball team as I train them at practice Monday and Saturday.

Health Goals:

• Track every day on sparkpeople.com.
• Only eat out three times this week.

Random Goodness

• “There is a mutant breed of Positive Thinking that is called Denial.” I am loving this post by DietGirl- go check it out!
• Prevention ID’s the Top 10 Worst Things for Your Immune System.
• WebMD shares 12 Natural Tips to Prevent a Cold.
• MizFit and DietGirl have a podcast: Two Fit Chicks and A Microphone. The first three episodes have been fantabulous and the new episode comes out sometime today!

The air smelt of sage and organic cleaning products. I spread out my mat, took my hair out of my ponytail, and settled into corpse pose. Other students around me chattered quietly, waiting for Yin Yoga to start. Finally the teacher, a sub for the regular one that I love, came in. She lit candles and instructed us to sit against the wall, feet up it.

I hate this pose. I don’t bend well at my knees. They just don’t want to go down in a straight line. I do the legs straight up the wall thing for a bit, then modify into butterfly pose with my legs. I stare at the ceiling, at a speck. It’s my first time back at yoga in too long. I starting thinking about life, health, weight, skin.

As we flow between different poses every 5 minutes I begin thinking of how my personality traits are the antithesis of traits you associate with yoga.  Yoga is calm, Kelly is scattered. Yoga is stillness, Kelly is distracted. Yoga is corporative; Kelly is competitive.

Honestly, in yoga, in the middle of corpse pose I thought “I want to find something besides work that I’m really, really good at. And win medals for it. I love medals.” When I’m supposed to be centered and in the present moment I’m trying to figure out what’s the next thing I can excel at. I knew this was not what a yogi should be doing during corpse pose.

Yoga philosophy categorizes the mind under five stages of being:

• Kshipta or disturbed,
• Mudha or stupefied,
• Vikshipta or distracted,
• Ekagra or concentrated and
• Niruddha or the absolutely balanced state of mind.

You can find fabulous description of the five stages on swamij.com. They state that “For most people, our minds are usually in one of the first three states (disturbed, dull, or distracted). To deal with the troubled mind and the lethargic mind is progress, leading one to a merely distracted mind.” Reading about the first three states of mind, I found they correlated closely with my three personality break down.

In yoga the goal is to deal with the troubled mind and the lethargic mind, leading one to a merely distracted mind, from where one can more easily work on training the mind in one-pointedness. So my goal: in life and in yoga I guess, is to get to Personality 4, or Ekagra/one-pointed(ness?).

What’s a Trigger?

A trigger is defined as “anything, as an act or event, that serves as a stimulus and initiates or precipitates a reaction or series of reactions.” Weight Watchers has a great article about Eating Triggers on their website. They state that eating triggers fall into three separate categories: trigger foods, trigger feelings, and trigger environments*.

But Wait… Isn’t Life A Trigger?

Some people argue that life is a trigger. There is definitely some truth in that statement. No one can control everything around them. Yes, you can get rid of all the nutty butter bars (a trigger for me) in your house but you cannot go to the local gas market and demand they rid their stock of nutty bars. (Well you could but… you’d probably be considered a bit of a nut yourself).  You could figure out a path in the gas station you frequent every week that didn’t go by nutty bars, BUT can you stop the little boy from eating one in front of you at the ball game? Smack them?

Unexpected Triggers

But even though we can’t create a trigger-less world, we can create a less-trigger-ful environment. I’ve decided to control what I can. In addition to avoiding nutty bars as much as humanly possible, I recently noticed that some unconventional/unexpected things were triggering me. Things that were supposed to be helping me on my journey, that were supposed to be tools on my journey just… weren’t. Instead they caused me to get stressed, to obsess, and to be in bad place. The Triggers?

• Healthy Living Blogs. I’ve recently tried to “de-trigger” my Google Reader. My personal trigger I found after following a multitude of healthy living/weight loss blogs for months on end? Food porn. You know… where people make delicious meals and post pictures in the blog. Every. Single. Day. Stuff I can’t recreate, stuff that made me crave sweet and salty, pictures that made me feel like I needed to eat even when I wasn’t hungry.

It was sad removing the subscriptions to some of these blogs as I’ve followed them for so long and am rooting for them. But I found I needed to put my self-preservation before cursory reading of a blog that makes me overeat.

• Weight Watchers. Another trigger I realized recently: Weight Watchers. Something about it, thinking about it, reading it, tracking in it, etc… makes my anxiety go through the roof. I’m still trying to figure out why but, until then, I’m tracking on SparkPeople. Sort of. Not really consistently now but I just started a new job, have been sick, and am stressed. Yea, those are the excuses I’m sticking with…

There are lot of great sources on the web about avoiding triggers and dealing with binge eating.  Green Mountain at Fox Run has a great article on binge eating disorders. WebMD has tips on how to identify your eating triggers and effectively cope with emotional stress. The Post that inspired this post was Tackling “Triggers” in the Blogosphere ay Lissa at WATRD.

So Dear Reader… what about you? Have you found that “helpful” things (kitchen scales? Magazines? Measuring cups?) trigger you? How do you handle your triggers? Share in the comments!

Ok, so I’m not really Internet Famous (nor do I ever really want to be) BUT I AM all over the internetz!

• I have a guest post over at We Are The Real Deal.

• I am receiving the Spotlight Blog treatment over at The Fabulous Fatties.

• One of my favorite blogs of all time, LemonDrop, has deemed me a Reader They Love.

Writer’s Block

All this love is ironic because recently I’ve been struggling to blog. Why? I’m at a stalled point because I feel like I haven’t stepped up. Remember when I talked about the three weight loss personalities living inside me? Right now I’m living with personality #3: I am uncomfortable in my body. I think negatively about food, fat rolls, dimpled skin, distended stomachs and stretched skin. Then I push the thoughts away, try to get mental distance from them, and just drone on.

While you’d think this uncomfortable-ness would spur my resolve to step up and live healthy it’s not. I’m lethargic. I feel “done”, over it, like a failure, that there is no way I can ever be in that 10-15% that loses it and keeps it off. I know what I should do, I have what I need to do it, I just don’t have the resolve.

I’m struggling. Struggling with the journey, struggling with writing. I feel stuck. But I won’t stop. Won’t stop struggling. Won’t stop writing, documenting the journey no matter how wayward, inconsistent, or boorish it may be.

Last Monday I started my new job. I’m the Operational Manager of a nonprofit for adults with developmental disabilities. I’m in charge of quality assurance and system development/ management for the 6 facilities we have throughout the state. I’m also going to work on grant writing and public relations, particularly web 2.0 initiatives for the nonprofit. I’m really excited; it’s exactly what I went to school for and is a great position. To find a position like this in the economic climate we are currently in… I feel really blessed.

But with the new position comes new challenges. It’s a higher position than I’ve ever held before which translates into more responsibility, more stress, and longer and more erratic hours. In addition, having facilities all over the state, I’ll have to travel.  This means eating on the road AND not having access to my regular gym.

My first business trip will be half of Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday.  To prepare I’ve done some research and brainstorming for how I’ll handle the challenges that come along with business travel. Here are the ideas I’m going to test drive for the first time this week.

Kelly’s Traveling and Thriving Plan:

• I’m bringing snacks and nonperishable foods. I’m going to keep healthy options that don’t have to be refrigerated like pretzels, packets of oatmeal, canned fruit in light syrup, apples, and nuts.
• I’m going to carry around my own utensils so I’m not forced to rely on restaurants for meals.
• I will work out in the morning. Since this is my first time visiting each facility my supervisor made my hotel reservations. I will check and see if they have gyms and, if not, I will seek out hotels with gyms for my next visit.
• I will locate grocery and health food stores in each of the facility locations. That way I can purchase portion-controlled food where I know the nutritional value instead of always eating at restaurants.
• Bring my Kor water bottle with me everywhere. Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate!
• I have Developed a “On The Road” Workout Kit. This kit includes:
  • The Fit Traveler Book. It comes with a resistance band for anywhere-sculpting, plus a 30-minute total-body workout with 20 illustrated exercises. It also includes diet tips for travelers and a section to log your workouts and goals.
  • Walking Shoes. I figure I can explore the area around the hotel if it doesn’t have a gym.
  • Workout Clothing.
  • A Jump Rope. If the hotel doesn’t have a gym and the weather outside doesn’t allow for walking, this will be my quick fix for cardio.

What about you dear reader? Do you have a job or obligation that causes you to be on the road a lot? How often do you travel? How do you deal? Any tips or stories appreciated!

Sarcasman and I decided to take a long weekend trip to the Emerald Coast. We are staying at a nice resort and enjoying the beach despite to cold front that came through the night we arrived. I had to buy a hoodie at the gift shop since I only brought shorts, t-shirts, and sandals with me. But despite the 50 degree weather, we are enjoying ourselves. Here I am, enjoying the beach:

As with most holidays though, we are eating too much. This morning we tried to go to The Doughnut Hole ( as Kiki suggested) to get breakfast this morning but, after seeing the line going out the door and around the corner, we decided to go to Golden Corral instead.

Why? Why?!?! Seriously. Sub-par food, every kind you can imagine, as much as you want, buffet style trap of obesity doom. When Sarcasman suggested it I should have said no. But I was hungry. And kind of excited to know I could get breakfast and desert cause that’s how they do it at Golden Corral. And that is why I’m fat.

So I engaged in eating massive amounts of food. Sugary, carb-loaded, fried, salty, fat-laden food. Immediately after I felt sick. And regretful.

The feeling lasted all day. A whole day at the beach, on vacation, feeling slow and hazy. It wasn’t a wasted day but to even be weighed down in the slightest bit- literally and figuratively- by an eating bender that morning was a shame. I felt like the puffer fish at the restruant we ate at tonight looked.  Slow. Lumbering. Gasping for air. Not swimming with a purpose. Not even floating. Sinking.

I’m too young. I can’t be sinking yet, can I? I need to find my fight and swim.

“You gotta swim,

Swim for your life,

Don’t let yourself sink,

Just find the horizon,

I promise you it’s not as far as you think…”

-          Jack’s Mannequin

Copy, paste and fill out in the comment section to let me know how you are doing! 

Mood:
I can’t live, if living is without _____:
Breakfast:
Weekly goals (health related):

Weekly goals (non-health related):

Highlight of my weekend:   

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Weekend Update:

• Friday I met up with a group from SparkPeople and went walking. It was nice to meet some new people and get exercise at the same time.
• Sunday I went to The Wilderness Way’s Kayaking Demo Day at McClay Gardens State Park with my friend Emmy. It was a great event. They basically had all different types of kayaks lined up on the shore of a lake and, after signing a liability agreement, you were good to go! It was a nice way to try out all different types of kayaks: sit in, sit on top, narrow and wide hull, two-person, fishing, peddling. We got a good upper body workout in and I came away with a new, intense lust for kayaking. I want to buy one now. Bad.
• It was a nice lazy weekend. I needed it. My husband and I lounged around the house, I spent lots of quality time with my dogs, hung out with Emmy, and semi-unpacked from my month-long sabbatical. While I wish I was more productive, it was nice to relax in my own house with my husband and puppies.

Looking Forward:

• Special Olympics swimming is over and Special Olympics basketball has started! I have skills and drills practice today with our athletes. Skills and drills started last week and I was amazed with the turnout. We are working on increasing their endurance mainly during the month of October which means running. Lots of running. I run with them (it’s only fair) so it’s a good workout for sure.
• This week I’m going back to yoga. It’s been too long since I’ve been to yoga and I miss it. I’m planning on going to Yin Yoga Wednesday and an Into Flow class Tuesday or Thursday.
• This week I’m also resuming personal training with my brother. I’ve agreed to pay him a small amount if he’ll meet me at 6 am in the morning at my gym. I figure paying him provides some accountability for both of us. That and he was resistant to training me in the morning without it. I do best and have had the most success in the past with morning workouts so paying him $20 a month to meet me at the gym 4 x’s a week will be worth it. I think… we’ll see.
• I’m so excited because FitBits finally started shipping last week! I should be getting a review unit soon. This thing looks amazing! Not only is it a gadget (+1), it also “accurately tracks your calories burned, steps taken, distance traveled and sleep quality”. How cool is that?!?! And they look tiny and unobtrusive. I’m really, really excited about this product.
• I start my new job next Monday. Craziness.

I love quotes. Love them. I can rattle off inspirational quotes as if I was a copy writer for those companies that makes inspirational posters featuring pictures of bald eagles and a guy hanging onto a mountain with an ice pick.  There is just something about being able to get energy from reading something quickly that’s poignant.

So I’m sitting on my couch, looking up quotes about choice and haphazardly watching So You Think You Can Dance when my friend Emmy messaged me.

“Whhhattt you doooiinnn?” she asked.

“Vegging. Browsing the internet.” I replied.

“Want to go for a walk?” she asked.

Honestly, I didn’t. I wanted to sit on the couch, work on my blog, read unread items stacked up in my Google Reader, and watch crappy TV. If I got up it would just be to take my bra off, put on pajamas, and grab a diet coke. But what was I going to reply “thanks but I’d rather write an entry for my healthy living blog than walk. Yea, it’s about choice. How we are the result of our choices over time.” Nooo…  no irony there, huh?

I looked at my open word document and the following stared back at me:

“One’s philosophy is not best expressed in words; it is expressed in the choices one makes … and the choices we make are ultimately our responsibility.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

Damn you Eleanor Roosevelt.  Damn you and your inspirational getyourassoffthecouchandimproveyourhealthinsteadofjustwritingaboutit quote.

“Sure… let’s walk.”

Catching Up:

• I’m back from the Keys. Saturday morning I had a natural swim with the dolphins. It was an amazing way to end my month long internship. During a natural swim dolphins interact with you at their will. There is no trainer directing their behavior, they swim around you and with you as they wish. Luckily I had a really, really good swim. I was surrounded by dolphins almost the entire time. It was as if I was part of their pod. Amazing. You can see the videos here. 

• My weight during the trip didn’t budge. Didn’t go up, didn’t go down. Even if you’re in a new place, with new people, doing new things, living a “new” life the bad habits you’ve developed over decades don’t shed miraculously. I don’t know why I thought I would be able to physically leave my negative eating behaviors and ticks in Tallahassee; they are part of me and they will travel. It’s going to take more than an up and move to lose them.

• I fell in love over my month in the Keys. With my bike. I even gave her a name: Greenie. She was my constant companion, taking me everywhere around the small island. I loved commuting by bike. Commuting by bike/walking is not nearly as time consuming or challenging as I had anticipated. It actually was really nice.

Looking Forward:

• Big announcement: I’ve been offered a new job! I start in 2 weeks! I will be working as the Consulting Manager for a non-profit adult day training program for individuals with developmental disabilities. The job duties include strengthening quality assurance systems, developing community support, establishing a Web 2.0 presence and grant writing.oping community support, establishing a Web 2.0 presence and grant writing. I’m really excited to start this exciting new chapter in my professional career.
• While I’m thrilled about the job, I know I’m going to have to work on trying to be healthy in a more stressful environment and while traveling a lot. As upper management for a nonprofit with multiple locations spread across the state it will be a major adjustment from my current work situation. I will be required to travel around 8 days a month. I will also be juggling more and probably be required to deal with more stressful situations than my current desk job entails. To stay on top of my game and sharp I’ll need to make sure I take care of myself.
• Training with my brother Ben resumes today. I’m excited and looking forward to it.

Musing: Big Fat Cliché?

Sunday, when I swung my feet off the bed and stood up I grimaced in pain. My right knee hurt. I brushed it off and tried to ignore it the other day but Monday during Special Olympics basketball practice I was limping and finally had to sit down. Sitting in a chair, coaching my athletes from the sideline I thought to myself “I don’t want to be a big fat cliché”.

I try to avoid being the stereotypical fat girl. I mean, I’m overweight so I like food and eat too much of it for my body and build but I try to avoid the other clichés. I don’t use complaining about my weight as a social crutch in real life. I try to be active and not let my weight or self-consciousness hold me back. When I had dating dry spells I didn’t blame my weight. I wear swimsuits in public. A lot.

I know knee injuries are common among all types of individuals but I often associate knee pain with people who are obese. And I don’t want that to be the first defining characteristic that comes to mind when people think of me. “Kelly is a fun, caring, silly individual” is very different than “Kelly- the obese girl- is fun, caring, silly…” I limped around the office with a knee brace yesterday. A coworker was in the elevator with me and said “first your foot, now your knee!?! You are falling apart girl!” The fact both injuries probably are resulting from carrying too much weight… bothers me. For my health and my psyches sake.

Randomness:

• I’m excited about a new weight loss blog: The DeeDee and Tino’s Weight Loss Blog follows two 20+ lb cats in their quest to lose weight. Their owner Laura writes “The obesity epidemic in America is a major health threat that affects almost half of all citizens. But what many don’t know is that the pet obesity epidemic is nearly as prevalent. In fact, it currently affects up to 100% of all the cats in my household.” Love of cats + love of healthy living blogs = teh awesome.

• Some people have the luxury of a personal trainer to create their exercise routines for them. For those that don’t, the web site Dumb Little Man has outlined seven key movements worth considering when designing a fitness program.

• What did I learn during my radical sabbatical? You can see what I took away from the experience in my non-health related blog, Rambling and Ruminating.

“So what’s your blog about?”

Every so often, I let someone in real life know I blog. The question of “about what?” tends to get asked.

I fumble to answer. Over the past year I’ve blogged about my weight, personal experiences, attempts at becoming my ideal self and my personal trials and errors.  I’ve also tried to share a good amount of helpful information about weight loss and healthy living.

Recently though I’ve been stumped with what to answer to this question.  During my time at Key Largo I’ve contemplated the future of this blog. It’s over a year old and doesn’t really have a strong direction. I haven’t lost weight since I began blogging. I’ve learned a lot, made a lot of blogging friends, processed a lot of my thoughts and feelings but haven’t dropped a pound. I don’t have a scale in with me in The Keys but, before leaving for here my weight hovered right around what it was when I started blogging last July.  I don’t think this qualifies as a weight loss blog because that’s a) not what I’ve done; and b) not my focus.

I constantly feel like my mind is fighting to decide what it wants. I feel like I have three weight loss personalities living inside me.

• Personality 1 feels so happy, so accomplished, so whole, and so ok that to think about my weight seems trivial.
• Personality 2 is my tends to think “man, I would feel so much healthier and better if I ate healthier, dropped some weight and got in better shape.”
• Personality 3 is when I am uncomfortable in my body, feeling like it doesn’t match my internal view of myself, and my mind races with thoughts of food, pant sizes, and stretched skin.

I’d say about 40% of time I’m in a happy place (denial?), 30% I have a healthy mentality towards changing, and 30% of the time I’m in a deeper, darker place when it comes to self image and self-acceptance.

So tonight I sat on a jetty watching the sun set over the vast ocean (I know, hard life) and thought “what is my focus now? What is important? What can I work on that will make me happy, that I can sustain, and that I don’t feel is punitive?”

After some thought and reflection I decided losing weight isn’t the focus for me now. Instead I hope it will be a byproduct of what I am choosing to focus on now*:

• Choosing to lose the sedentary lifestyle.
• Choosing to lose the body image hang ups. Being comfortable in my body. I think this will come from a combination of losing weight and accepting myself. How these two things mesh I’m still trying to figure out.
• Choosing to lose the fast food addiction. I need to learn to cook and enjoy whole, clean food.
• Choosing to lose the risk factors associated with being overweight and inactive. I must be proactive about my health.
• Choosing to lose the constant, draining mind chatter about weight and body image.

* WARNING: my focus changes on a whim. I do not agree to maintain focus for any length of time.